Recently I began a workout regimen in order to improve my health and mental clarity. In the process I discovered an important workout tip or two that I simply must share with everyone. This tip may not win you points with the neighbors, but it will certainly improve your workout.

We set aside part of the rehearsal hall for a workout area and moved the equipment in. Not only does it give us adequate sheltered space to workout in, but it also means we can use the 800 watt p.a. for music while working out. I cannot stress this enough. If you have access to a powerful p.s. then by all means use it. The benefits are immediate. You can no longer hear your own cries of pain and therefore remain motivated longer. It also prevents you from being assaulted with especially colorful language when you drop a 25lb plate on your spotters foot. If you close your eyes so you can’t see him hopping about, it is almost like it did not happen!

Another benefit of this system is that when the bass is pounding in your chest you often cannot distinguish between it and your own thundering heart. This obviously saves you from being worried about your impending heart attack and therefore reduces your stress level. Sometimes however I have discovered that the bass drum continues to pound long after the music has shuffled to a softer track. This is an unusual aural phenomenon and one I will investigate further as soon I stop feeling the need to crawl across the floor puking.

Which brings us to yet another benefit of powerfully amplified music during your workout. If you are like me and suffer from a relatively weak gag reflex, the sound of your workout partner hurling in a wastebasket will no longer be of concern. Indeed, once the screaming and cursing and cries of agony are drowned out, lifting heavy iron is not so bad at all.

So I suggest to everyone they buy a vastly overpowered stereo for their workout space. I also suggest burning a CD of Metallica, Iron Maiden, AC/DC and other thunderous noisemakers. Whatever you do, do not burn a CD of Enya. It not only does not mask the sobbing but oftentimes will contribute to it.

That is the end of this useful tip. Now if you will excuse me I have to go and puke in a wastebasket. I mean, go and “pump iron” to develop my “pecs” and “abs” and god knows what other muscle groups that are lurking under my winter coat of flab.