I was told about a picturesque waterfall about an hours drive from here. Always on the lookout for new locations to photograph I put my things in the car and headed out there. I arrived after a pleasant drive and parked the car just across a old iron bridge that spanned a quietly murmuring stream. Forgetting about my power to cause fish to sink to the bottom and sulk.

After about a twenty minute walk beside the stream I came upon a couple of fisherman casting their lines into the stream. “How’s the fishing guys?” I asked. “It was terrific up until about twenty minutes ago. Now it seems like all the fish have just vanished!” “Umm, really?” I stammered. “That seems sort of unusual.” I added, backing away from the stream. “Sure is dude, it’s like a Bermuda Triangle of fish thing going on here now.” Added the more frustrated looking of the two. “Well, I hope your luck improves!” I said cheerily, if not a bit nervously as I waved and made my way further downstream.

I was afraid that the two anglers would dicover my true identity. Blorp, sinker of fish. Of all the paranormal activity that has ever been studied, my ability to cause fish to sink sullenly to the bottom of a body of water has sadly been bypassed. People who have encountered this phenomenon have summarily banned me from various bodies of water. People who have yet to encounter this phenomenon snort derisively and say that no such power or ability exists. However they all become believers in the power of Blorp after just one day on the water.

I first noticed this power as a small child when the goldfish, lively and active at the pet store, would sink to the bottom of their tank in a stupor once in my home. I thought it was the wrong food or tank conditions, but alas it turned out to be my mere physical presence that was the cause.

As a young boy I often had to concoct elaborate excuses to avoid accompanying my friends to the local fishing hole. I knew that if I went along not a single fish would be caught during the entire trip. Leading to much frustration and possible beatings. All in good natured, boyhood fun of course. So I made excuses and stayed home, awaiting the return of my friends and their newly minted collection of fish tales.

I was never particularly jealous of my friends and their catches. To me, there is something tremendously unappealing about yanking an aqautic creature out of the water to its doom. It does not help that the fish in question makes threats about evolving legs and kicking my pasty white butt in between gasping and flopping about.

Greenpeace has contacted me numerous times about accompanying a group of them onto the high seas during whaling season. Their rationale is that the whales will sink and refuse to surface and therefore cannot be harpooned. It is a clever idea except for the fact that whales surface to breathe. I do not want to be responsible for the drowning deaths of dozens of whales at once. Such is the awesome power of my ability to cause aqautic life to hide in the depths.

My powers also extends to lobster tanks as well. Once lively, even aggressive lobsters scuttling about their tank will cease all movement, coma like, at my approach. This has led to many tense moments with fishmongers at various local establishments. They do not realize that once I leave the area the seeminly dead lobsters will immediately spring back to life.

The only advantage to this rare power is safety from sharks. They, like any other aquatic creature, will sink to the bottom the moment I arrive on the beach. Unfortunately, this also extends to dolphins as well. While other people can stand on the beach and watch dolphins frolic in the water, I have to observe from a distant vantage point. Like Mars.

It is not all bad though. I am thinking about a trip to the Great Lakes region to assist the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service with their leaping carp problem. Once I arrive, silver carp leaping from the water and injuring boaters will become a thing of the past. People might even think that this particular invasive species has suddenly experienced a mass die off. When in fact they are littering the bottom in a sulking stupor.

Fish and Wildlife Officers can contact me here about the possibility of accomodations, the impact on sportfishing and possible ways to save my life should my presence become widely known to sportsmen.